Excerpt from

THE CLOWNS' MACBETH

by Wayne Anthoney

Note: The four actors are clowns (one of whom is called Pumpkin), who take different rôles trying to act “Macbeth”

ACT 5 SC 2 ‑ ROSS, MACDUFF, OTHER
[ROSS and MACDUFF enter.]

ROSS: Here we stand on the edge of Birnam Wood, not far from the hated tyrant's castle.

MACD: (Pause) Yes.

ROSS: Are all you thousands of men ready?

VOICES OFF: Ay sir / ready milord. (Bangs and thumps as before.)

MACD: Good. Now I have a plan. I want all you thousands of men to cut down a tree from the wood and stand behind it. Camouflage, you see?

ROSS: Jolly good!

VOICE: (Off) Ay, mate?

MACD: What?

VOICE: (Off) Bloody lot of trees!

MACD: Quite a few.

ROSS: Some of them are this thick! (Holds hands two feet apart.)

MACD: Ah.. yes ...

VOICE: (Off) Bloody heavy, mate.

ROSS: The greenies would have our guts.

MACD: (Peeved) Right then, what's your idea?

ROSS: Well, let's just cut down one tree, and all stand behind it, in a line, like.

MACD: (Pause) Thou'rt not as silly as thou looks! Onward!

ACT 5 SC 3 ‑ MACBETH, MESSENGER (Played by Pumpkin), ROSS, MACDUFF

MAC: Ah, 'tis good to stand on one's castle battlements and gaze toward the woods, even at a time like this.

MESS: (Runs in) My lord! My lady ... my lady has went mad and ... died.

MAC: Good. God. Good god. Alackaday.
[Pumpkin looks offended, but carries on.]

MESS: I think it's just as well, my lord.

MAC: I do not get your drift.

MESS: She was doing some very strange things. Only yesterday, she bit the postman on the leg. My lord!

MAC: What? What?

MESS: Yonder tree! I swear it moved!

MAC: (Not noticing) Don't be stupid, Pumpkin.
[ROSS enters in very bad tree costume. MACD hides behind, sword drawn.]

ROSS: How can I fight in this?

MACD: Shhh!

MESS: There it goes again!

MAC: I'm warning you ....

ROSS: Can't see where I'm going.

MACD: Quiet!

MESS: Look!

MAC: (Sees tree move) AAHH! 'Fear not 'til Birnam Wood do come to Dunsinane! And now a wood does come to Dunsinane! Arm! Arm! Blow wind, come wrack, at least we'll die with harness on our back!

ACT 5 SC 4 ‑ FIGHT SCENE

[Ad lib fight scene. The clowns try to look like hundreds of men fighting. They may stand on one side of the stage, pretending to be the Scots, and fire arrows in the air. Then they all run across to the other side and pretend to be the English being hit by the arrows and dying horribly. Many variations on this idea, with chases and clowns scaring each other.]

ACT 5 SC 5 ‑ MACDUFF, MACBETH

[The fight gradually resolves.]

MACD: Turn, hellhound turn!

MAC: (Turns very slowly) Of all men else I have avoided thee. But get thee back. My soul is too much charged with blood of thine already.

MACD: I have no words.
[They fight.]

MAC: I bear a charmed life, which must not yield to one of woman born.

MACD: Despair thy charm. For I was not born, but, rather, found in a shopping basket at the zoo.

MAC: (Dropping character) That is ridiculous!

MACD: Take it or leave it.

MAC: Then lay on Macduff, and damned be he who first cries, 'Hold, enough!'
[They fight off. A cry. Silence.]

ACT 5 SC 6 ‑ ROSS, MALCOLM, MACDUFF

[FANFARE. Enter MALCOLM, crowned, and ROSS in attendance.]

ROSS: All hail, King of Scotland. And may I say how closely you resemble your father.

MAL: We thank you.
[FANFARE. Enter MACD holding a Woolworth's shopping bag containing a cabbage or basketball.]

MACD: Hail, King for so thou art. And may I say how closely you resemble your father.

MAL: We thank you too.

MACD: Behold the cursed usurper's head.
[MAL and ROSS look in the bag and barf.]

MAL: This dead butcher and his fiend‑like queen are no more. Thanks to all at once and to each one, whom we invite to see us crowned at Scone.
[All bow to audience.]

MAL: And now the blood‑letting's done, I have a surprise for everyone. It's my birthday!
[All throw streamers, produce party hats and have a good time. Party sequence.]

(652 words)

Annotations:

17: greenies – environmentalists, supporters of the greens party; to have one’s guts – (informal) to punish someone severely; 25: alackaday -  (also: alas) something like: oh dear, how sad; 28: to get one’s drift – to understand; 46: ad lib – everybody does what he thinks fit; 60: to drop character – here: forget that he is playing a role; 73: to barf – (US informal) to vomit; 78: streamer – long narrow piece of coloured paper used as decoration.

Tasks:

1. This is shortly before the end of a modern version of Macbeth. What is the situation and what happens here? What changes compared with the original have been made in the characters and the plot? (comprehension)

2. Analyse the use of language and stage directions. To what extent – and how - has the original text been changed? What effect do these changes have (give two or three typical examples)? (analysis)

Here you have a choice. You must only deal with one of the following two tasks:

3a. Imagine you are a theatre critic and you have seen this performance. Now write a review for a newspaper about it. Comment on whether you think turning Macbeth into a comedy has been successful, and if it was a good idea in the first place. Make your text lively and interesting to read. (evaluation: comment)

3b. Write a modern version of any other part of the play, it may be dialogue, short story, letter, article, anything. It may be funny or serious, the only condition is, it must be original. (evaluation: recreation of a text)