"Hi, Mr. Peters, remember me? Horatio Alger the Fourth. You laid me
off from the company six months ago because I was unskilled labor. Well, I just
completed a welding course, and I'm ready to go back to work."
"Sorry, Horatio, but since you've been gone, the company has
decided to invest in robot welders. I don't believe your welding skills are
necessary any longer. Now, if you knew something about robotics
"I don't, sir, but I'll retrain myself and become a robot
serviceman. I'll see you in six months."
"That's a good idea, son. Come back when you know something about
robots, Horatio, and there will be a job waiting for you."
"Hi, Mr. Peters. Well, sir, here's my certificate from the
Consolidated Robot School. It says I can repair any kind of robot now on the
market."
"This is very impressive. Let's see, according to your file, you
were in this personnel office last July. Since you were here the company has
invested in a state-of-the-art computer that can repair the robots that make
our zits. We're no longer hiring service people to take care of the
robots."
"But surely, sir, you must need someone to program the
computers."
"As a matter of fact we do. Have you any experience in this
field?"
"I don't at the moment, but I know I can be retrained to become a
computer expert. If I do well in school, may I have a job with your
company?"
"Of course you can. You show the spirit this corporation is always
looking for."
"Hello, Mr. Peters. Long time no see."
"As I live and breathe, it's Horatio Alger the Fourth. What have
you been up to for the past two years?"
"I've been going to advanced computer programming school, sir. I am
now fluent in BASIC, PASCAL, and FORTRAN, and can work with any software on the
market. I assume the company is still looking for programmers."
"We were for a while, Horatio. But then we subcontracted all our
programming work to a software company which specializes in improving robot
production for zits. We no longer have a computer division of our own, except
for a small section that devotes itself to collating data on the zit market and
then making economic predictions on how the company should expand."
"Don't worry, Mr. Peters, I will retrain myself to become an
economist with an emphasis on long-range zit planning."
"You'll need a doctorate before I can hire you."
"Do not fear, sir. I will drive a taxi during the daytime and go to
school at night. If becoming an economist is the only way I can get a job, so
be it - I will become one."
"You show gumption, boy. Bring me that sheepskin and you'll be on
the payroll." (Three years later.)
"Do my eyes deceive me? Is this the little Horatio Alger the Fourth
who used to drop in here to see me about a job?"
"The very same, and I have something to show you. Here, sir, from
the Harvard Business School is my doctorate in Hi-Tech Economics. And here is
my doctoral thesis on the future of the zit market in the twenty-first century,
as broken down by continents and countries throughout the non-Communist world.
Now that I am retrained, may I have a position with the company?"
"Horatio, please sit down. Since you went off to get your economics
degree, we've moved the entire company's operations to South Korea. We don't do
anything here except distribute zits to our dealers."
"I understand, sir, and I certainly don't blame you for going where
you can make a better product for much less cost."
"What are you going to do now, Horatio?"
"The same thing any ambitious American boy would do. I'm going to
retrain myself to be a South Korean."
(Art Buchwald)
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